where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
