Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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