just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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