our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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