How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
