Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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