he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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