On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
