from now on my penis is your penis
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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