did you get engaged???
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
