I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
