Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
