Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
