I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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