I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
farters have to be the big spoon...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Terrible idea I love it
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
