Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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