does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
