I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
