I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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