I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
