Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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