the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
only you would photoshop your dick
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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