So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
