remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
