im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
