We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
