it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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