I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
