He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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