you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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