Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
