Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
