his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So squirting runs in the family.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.