my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
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People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
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I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again