She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
