a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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