You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
