he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
