You just made me feel so damn special
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
