There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
