I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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