I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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