dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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