So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
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After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
zippers are such a cool invention
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
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Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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