Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
