i would punch a child for taco bell
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
