I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
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I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
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I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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