i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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