He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize