Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
