I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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