He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
