if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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