there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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