I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
