I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
