my vag is so smooth its legendary
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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