So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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