??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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